Why does it have
to be so hard? A grad student
perched several floors up, threatening
to jump in the courtyard. “Suicidal ideation” means you have a
plan. She said there are guns in her house, but she won't let him use
one. I remember having a plan
to have a plan. My friend stood on the other side of the railing at
the Golden Gate Bridge, but failed to jump. What we call failure is
an inability to die.
To survive suicide is not to be the person who tried.
My mother had a plan to have a plan when she was pregnant with
me. Later, when I developed
plans to have plans, she wrote in spidery handwriting on a now faded
legal sheet the names and effects of medications. The boys who killed
at Columbine were on anti-depressants, the softball coach dressed as
a gypsy told me. Later, he sent me evidence off the internet with a
finely penned post-it
note, “Glad they worked for you.”
--7
March 2017
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