Wednesday, March 8, 2017

7 March 2017

Why does it have to be so hard? A grad student perched several floors up, threatening to jump in the courtyard. “Suicidal ideation” means you have a plan. She said there are guns in her house, but she won't let him use one. I remember having a plan to have a plan. My friend stood on the other side of the railing at the Golden Gate Bridge, but failed to jump. What we call failure is an inability to die. To survive suicide is not to be the person who tried. My mother had a plan to have a plan when she was pregnant with me. Later, when I developed plans to have plans, she wrote in spidery handwriting on a now faded legal sheet the names and effects of medications. The boys who killed at Columbine were on anti-depressants, the softball coach dressed as a gypsy told me. Later, he sent me evidence off the internet with a finely penned post-it note, “Glad they worked for you.”

--7 March 2017

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