Thursday, June 20, 2019

To be scrapped later (20%)

Lilith turns back when it starts to dust rain. No details from which to begin my meditation. Except those I see on my screen: permafrost melting 70 years earlier than expected; Himalayan glacier melt threatens water supply for a billion souls. "This alone is to be alive to the extremities." (HDT). This, alone. An altered solitude. Harriet Tubman kicked off the $20, leaving Andrew Jackson alive to our exchange. Adopted the child of an Indian family he had killed. "Had killed" referring either to his own hand, or that of an underling. They call them "wire rooms," Aldon writes, not "concentration camps."

Concentration is difficult if your executive function doesn't work well. The frontal lobes ordain certain forms: some yield scatter, others cluster in the neat folds of a handkerchief. I ironed my dad's, then folded them to fit his pocket.

I admire Amanda Cook her economy. Consider cutting 90% of this later. The low battery will help today. 28%

I no longer understand what balance to attempt between information and meaning, between meaning and stark fact. I am before I think, therefore. My students said The Crystal Text didn't get to the point quickly enough. Could have been a lot shorter. 27%.

Some spiritual texts exhibit a disdain for the past. Live in the now! As if they were separate beings, and you could walk one on a leash and leave the other at the pound. The past is not an orphan text. During meditation past events float like episodes in a psychedelic movie, unattached to affect (at best). I do want some content with my nowness. 26%

He was always present, Carla writes of Kevin Killian. I can't remember seeing him in Maine this last time, but I saw a photograph. I saw a photograph of a migrant child walking down a long corridor, alone in his black shoes.

The men did the talking, while she remained quiet. Another solitude, another we don't romanticize. The deformation of not being middle-class. My mother's descent into serious kitsch, a life that could no longer surprise her. 23%

The sky has cleared, now blue and white above the rapis palm. Trades. Even the weather is named after commerce. 22%

I type an address into Bryant's google map. He had sent us directions for when we arrived. So detailed they resembled James Boswell. The "garden" proved to be two chairs on a sidewalk outside a closed door. The session as a theater without audience. Two chairs in a converted garage, two outside. Air conditioning rumbles through open louvers. My anxiety gathers detail like microplastics on Laie's beach. 21%

She writes about sewing with Mormons. The noisy one (no sense of detail) and the quiet one (more careful, probably smarter). When they came to our door in Virginia, my mother wanted to ask them when in time families are locked together.

20% and the light turns red. Time is energy, except it diminishes. Failed to sleep well again, but drank two cups of coffee in the morning. One would think someone who suffers anxiety should cool it on the coffee. One should think. 20%

Edited at 17%

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